This week feels so painfully slow. Time is literally standing still. All there is to do now is remember the past. To scroll through old texts. To wish for more time. The sadness now is matched only by the silence. It's truly awful.
I tiptoe around grieving. It doesn't seem like my place to own it fully and the time allotted for me to cry is quickly coming to an end. At some point it's just weird right? She wasn't my sister or even my cousin. We didn't grow up together and we were never roommates. My feelings are nothing compared to Jeremy's and those of her sweet girls. But she was a bright spot in my every day and it's impossible to believe that she is gone forever. Sometimes, no matter how hard I will it to stop, the grief knocks the wind out of me. It's hard to move on. It's hard to even write those words. It's seems wrong to go back to routines. To pretend like it never happened.
I am pouring myself into my promise of being there. Helping sort out a new world order. Planning a vacation designed to bring smiles to the girls faces. Deciding how to decorate rooms that were left undone. Being there as much as I can for all of them without earning a restraining order. (Shut up Jeremy).
Doing my best to be there for my family. Listening to my daughter's own fears and her confusion about a God who would take her cousin Zoe and her friend's mommy. Consoling people who knew Laura that I run into in restaurants or grocery stores. Dealing with the world's dumbest dog who keeps running away from his better than average home.
I am going through the motions like so many that loved her, but let's face it, we are all pissed. And really, really sad.
And just when I start to give into the anger and the tears again, I look at the yellow rose sitting on my window sill and I reread the poem she picked out for her own funeral program. I imagine her sitting at her desk facing the death sentence she had just been given by her doctors. Instead of being angry, or Googling "how to punch Cancer in the effing face" she was searching for something to leave us with to help get us through these very days. Who does that? Laura did.
I wish I could say that I am forever changed by this whole experience. That I will be a better person. That I will cherish friendships and reach out to people I love more often. That I will live with no regrets. I don't know if I can live up to those high expectations and to the impossible standard she set for all of us, but I will try. And really, that's all she would ask of me.
PS....Laura asked me to design her office. It was the place she spent the most time. The place she searched for this poem. So the next time I post to this blog it will be with pictures of the completed space. Wish me luck! (Especially dealing with you know who.... #sainthood)
WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME
When tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me
I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand.
And said my place was ready
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But when I walked through heaven's gates
I felt so much at home,
When God looked down and smiled at me
From His great golden throne.
He said, "This is eternity
And all I've promised you,
Today for life on earth is past
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow
For today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me
I'm right here in your heart.