Thursday, March 27

A (Wallpaper) Cautionary Tale

This week DC got its 239th snowfall of this winter. Which even for a snow lover like me  is getting old. I even went skiing on my honeymoon.  And still I am over it. OVER. It.

Even the weathermen/women are bored of it and are losing ways to describe this, the 928th storm this year.  I know this because one, somewhat reputable one, said that this storm was going to be fairly moderate in the DC are but was then going to "literally explode" when it went out to the Atlantic.  Think about that for a minute. Literally. Explode.  As one commenter said, I ain't no meteorologist but I am pretty sure "literally explode" isn't an official term to describe anything except a bomb - let alone the 13,480th snow storm this season.

Anyway, the good news about it was that it gave me a chance to tackle wallpapering the office.  My mom - who is a decorating Yoda - both in wisdom and stature, is here and has wallpapered many a room. We thought we were golden. Ready to get er done.

We were wrong. So wrong.  Like a meteorologist predicting a snow explosion, we were just wrong.

Our first indication that we should stop and hire a professional was when we went to Home Depot and asks for wallpaper paste. Note to self: never buy unpasted wallpaper again.  Mr. Paint Guy, I said "ummm....I think we might have one jug of it" and Mr. Paint Guy, II said "We haven't carried wallpaper or anything like it in 12 years!" as he shook his head.  I told him BIG mistake. HUGE!  Wallpaper is making a comeback my wait and see!

So after buying a questionably old jug of paste and a not so appropriate roller and brush, we went home to get started. First, we measure. VERY organized and well thought out I'd say.

Then my mom started to work her magic. Kind of....

The first piece went up perfectly. See below. She even made that horrible curve at the top of the wall work. Brilliant!  We were set.  So confident was I that she had this well in hand that I abandoned her and went to a work meeting. Poor, poor Mom. 

To protect the innocent, I can't show you what happened next. But suffice it to say, when I came home from the meeting, she was covered in glue, crying softly and wrapped in green wallpaper. Tragic. 

Ok - so it wasn't quite that bad. But the wallpaper inexplicably decided to stretch itself out.  Meaning it was wet, sticky and completely unwieldy. She fought valiantly, but it was a lost cause. There were so many wrinkles it looked like my growing older by the day dog.  Only not as cute. 

So we ripped it off.  And with it, came some paint. Photo evidence of the crime below. 

It was at that point that my dear, sweet mother who raised four wonderful, perfect, almost angelic kids looked at me and said "Call your goddamn wallpaper guy.  I'm out of here!" and vanished down to the guest room. Presumably to cry. 

So that I did. But first I had to order more paper.  Which of course, is on backorder. I broke the news to my mom gently. She packed her bags. 

There's nothing to be done now but drown our sorrows in sauvignon blanc. Staring intently on the one piece that turned out well. Just don't look to the right. 

Here's to you mom!  You are my hero in every way shape and form. Thanks for trying and for making me laugh every day.  I wouldn't have wanted this room to turn out any. other. way. 



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